ORT
BIG TIPS
OCTOBER 13, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 27
My new boss is an old flame-and she still wants me
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone Yowza cabowza, do I have a cautionary/ exultant tale for you all this week! I attended a fundraiser auction last week and in full awareness of my petite income I had donated an item, as I knew I wouldn't be able to bid very much. At the last minute, however, I found out that one of the donations was the opportunity to co-host a three-hour radio advice show, and my ego started to sweat. I mean, who would be more apropos? I know you haven't heard my voice, but suffice to say, at least I think the world deserves my honeyed tongue.
I knew I'd be bidding against one particular person, but besides her, who else would want it? By the night of the auction, I'd gotten several friends to back me financially, and I had a whopping $350 to bid: who could stand in my way?
(Okay now, a brief aside is critical at this juncture: my hearing's not totally crystal clear. It's usually fine enough, but my daily "what?" count is pretty darn high. So I know I have to be extremely aware and careful at, say, auctions. Back to our tale . . .)
As it got close to time to bid, my heart started to beat out of my chest. The plan was, just jam my number up in the air, and whip it down, God forbid the amount went past $350. The caller was incredibly fast, but she seemed to be going at $50 increments, so I figured I had, literally, a quick count to 4 or 5 to reach my limit.
My item was up. My hand shot in the air, and suddenly, there was a huge commotion: everyone's hands were in the air. My friend Valerie grabbed my wrist and ripped my hand down. I hadn't even heard her say the first amount! Needless to say, mouths were hanging open, including my own, at the generosity of the winning bid.
You'll be happy to know that there's a happy end to this tale. Before I had a chance to wig out, I raised an Amazon Cone o' Power over my creative faculties, and decided to, well, beg. I figured, everyone was in a spending mood, and I knew a lot of people there, so... I just went around and took pledges, and came up with the money be the end of the event. Phew. So, be grateful you weren't there for me to hit up, and wish me luck on the airwaves, okay?
Dear Big Tip,
Two weeks ago I started what I thought was a dream job-good pay, job satisfaction, great co-workers who have no problem with me being an out lesbian. Now that dream has the potential to be nightmare. I just met my supervisor, who was on vacation when I was hired by the personnel department. I was stunned to find out that she is someone with whom I had a brief but torrid affair several years ago. Needless to say, this development causes a few problems.
Problem number one is that my supervisor is already indicating that she wants to rekindle our relationship. (We mutually called it off.) She's invited me to dinner and takes chance to be alone with me. I'm every fairly free sexually, and she is extremely hot, so I'm somewhat tempted to take her to bed. However, I know that would open a Pandora's box of complications, and I'm resisting the urge at all costs. Of course this distraction is not helping my work, and I'm afraid my job evaluations won't be good unless I include oral sex in the duties. Another problem is that, while I'm out of the closet, my supervisor is not. If I get her to accept a strictly personal relationship, I'm afraid she'll try to get rid of me so I can't out her-accidentally or on purpose.
I'm at a loss, Tip. I know I cannot take the problem to personnel, because we all know how sympathetic they'd be to it. Even if I could, it would require outing my supervisor, which I won't do. I hope you can provide some help. I'm going crazy! I won't leave my job, and it's getting harder to stick with it under the circumstances.
Dear Boss or Loss,
In Trouble
Basically, your plan of action depends on how important the job is to you: If you can go out and get something comparable easily, go ahead and rekindle the fling. If it ends badly, she can fire you.
If the job is important to you, don't do it. If the affair is discovered, it'll probably cause bad feelings in the office, and you risk compromising your work record with charges of favoritism. Even if it's not discovered, it can cause you to doubt even good evaluations: are they job performance or sex related?
Either way, you need to say yes or no really clearly, ASAP. If yes, talk with the boss about the ways it could end amicably, which would not result in the loss of your job or charges of sexual harassment. If no, reassure her that outing her is something you would never do, and ironically, the only way that might happen would be if she fired you for not sleeping with her. If she gives you anything in writing, sweet or menacing, date it and keep it, just in case.
People meet and date at work all the time, but when it's a superior/underling thing, especially one that is a “secret,” opportunities for abuse of power, in both directions, are almost inevitable. And by the way, the personnel department is just going to have to deal with it if this turns into a sexual harassment case. Good luck.
Dear Big Tipper,
My friends are very important to me, and I treat them very well. I have a boyfriend, but I don't just stay home with him. I make special dates with my friends, and call them frequently.
My problem is that, lately, I feel disappointed in all of them. They don't call me as often as I call them. They blow me off for spending time with their lovers, even if we'd made previous plans, and I'd never do that to them. I feel like they're not willing to work as hard at our friendships as I am. I feel resentful and angry and hurt, and scared that I'd be really lonely without them. What if I broke up with my boyfriend? I'd have no one left. What can I do to make them come around?
Dear Friend-Free Fear,
Abandoned
Good for you for being respectful of and careful with your friends: they're the only ones who'll tell us the truth about our new haircuts. Here's what I think. It's human to fail someone, and friends can screw up and cross us in ways that hurt deeply, but when it seems like all of your friends are disappointing at the same time, it may just be a bleak spell for you.
It could be the shortening of the days, or anything really, but just chill a week, and see if you still feel so crusty and despairing of the future with all of them. If they still come up short, diversify your base. Make friends in different circles who don't know each other. Then if one pocket of support flakes you, you have backup. Take care. ✓
Send your questions on life, love, and benefit auctions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com; or fax to 216-631-1082.
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